Silence.

All I desire right now is silence.

The pull of grief is like a storm blaring strobe lights and loud sirens.

It is chaos and havoc and a glimpse of relief that escapes through my thoughts as they crash inside my mind and fills me up with sadness.

Is it sorrow or pure anger?

Is it selfishness to wish you never parted?

After all we never saw death as an end but accepted it as part of this journey with curiosity and fearlessness.

I guess I never pondered how it would feel in your absence.

You said that you were ready. You said you wanted freedom.

You said that you have lived our years together with love and chaos and excitement.

You said your spirit was full but your mind entangled.

You said you struggled every day and your body was a fiend to your alignment.

I saw your suffering and loved you through every waking moment.

I was not ready.

Now all I want is silence.

Your voice does not fill my void and your presence is gone and my heart is in shambles.

I am trying to release you.

I am trying to be loyal to your choice and heal this sadness.

But why is it so easy to believe in being reborn to a new light and so hard to realize the absence?

Confusion is so understated.

At times I feel a little better and times when waves come to drown me without mercy.

There are times when it doesn't feel real and times when it is all a nightmare.

I know time will help me cope and heal but right now my mind is desolate.

I patiently wait for that day when I can look back and remember without fear of my heart to break.

But for the time being all I want is silence.

Silence to remember you as if you were awake.

Silence to breathe away from pain.

Silence to breakdown and to be angry and to heal.

Silence to try and listen to your voice in my memories without fear.