If you sell custom content, offer digital services, or operate as a Domme online, your inbox is less of a direct message folder and more of a wildlife refuge for bottom-feeders.

Lately, I’ve been flooded with low-effort catfish hitting me up for custom content, only to drop the same tired punchline: “Hey, pay me money so I can send you money!” Get real already.

Look, if you’re going to dedicate your life to being a digital thief, at least take some pride in your craft! The lack of effort is just insulting. So, to help out the struggling amateur scammers crowding my DMs, I’ve put together a handy, step-by-step checklist based on my latest interaction. Read carefully, take notes, and please... do better.

📋 The Aspiring Scammer’s Official Checklist a.k.a. How to Fail Spectacularly in My DMs

Step 1: Craft a Squeaky-Clean, Wholesome Persona

First impressions are everything! Pick an identity that screams "trustworthy community member."

Profile Picture: A respectable, mature gentleman. Bonus points if he looks like a licensed realtor.

Bio: Mention church, family values, and Virginia real estate. Nobody suspects a devout realtor!

Step 2: Choose Your Classic Scammer Strategy

Don't just stick to one bad script—pick from the hall of fame:

Option A: The Reverse Payment (The Classic): Ask them to pay your accountant a small fee so you can release a massive $3,000 payout. Because that's definitely how money works.

Option B: The Fake Mobile Check: Demand to email a picture of a cashier's check written for double the price, then politely ask them to transfer the "accidental extra balance" back to you in crypto.

Option C: The "Official" Email: Send a fake email notification from a generic Gmail address claiming to be "CashApp Security Department," stating their funds are "on hold" until they upgrade to a business account.

Step 3: Establish the Trap

Spend an hour chatting politely. Build genuine rapport. Pretend you want a sweet, text-based arrangement.

Be charming.

Compliment her.

Make her think, "Hey, this conversation is actually kind of refreshing!"

Step 3: Forget Who You’re Impersonating (Crucial Step!)

This is where the magic happens. You’ve established that you’re a 70-year-old grandfather from Virginia, but don't let that restrict your vocabulary!

When agreeing with her, abandon all 1950s phrasing and drop a casual "fr fr".

Throw in some modern Gen-Z internet slang to keep her really guessing.

Ensure your texting style completely undermines the entire backstory you just built.

Step 4: Drop the Big Money & The Absurd Plot Twist

Now that you’ve utterly failed the vibe check, it’s time to talk finances!

Offer a $3,000 starting allowance.

Promise $850 every weekend just to chat on the phone when you're free.

Hit her with the grand finale: "To receive this money, you must first pay my personal accountant a processing fee."

The Dead Giveaway: Send a payment link that mysteriously redirects straight to Steam (or a very suspiciously Steam-like platform) to buy digital gaming gift cards. Nothing says "70-year-old retired Virginia realtor" quite like an urgent, burning need for Steam wallet funds. 19-year-olds indeed! 🎮💀

Because as everyone knows, in the business world, you always have to pay money to get paid! Even Google will tell you that's a scam, man. Get with the fuckin' program already.

Thank you for the laugh, but seriously... do better.

This actually brings up so many questions for me about our educational system. Jussayin'.